Qualities Relationship Energy Space Time
Qualities Relationship Energy Space Time
Most people, if they listen at all, are exceedingly ‘bad’ listeners! Many who might consider themselves, and would be described by others, as good listeners have little training in listening. Yes, they might have been taught, or at least told about recapping, or reflective and active listening. They might have been given advice on body-language, and even been told how to interpret non-verbal signals: If the eyes go up, it means the person is lying, if they are shifty-eyed i.e. their eyes go side to side, it’s evasiveness, if the head tilts down to the left, they’re looking for an angle. Legs crossed and body turned slightly sideways? They are blocking you or avoiding intimacy. Arms folded? Defensiveness and so on!
The meaning attached to the above examples might well be accurate and ‘true’ at any given time, and maybe not! And many will react as if their ‘maps’ are the territory - even some who know the meta-model, accept the validity of NLP presuppositions such as ‘the map is not necessarily the territory’, ‘the meaning of the message’ etc., and are also clued up on Clean. How much more difficult, then, for those who have little, poor, or no training in meaningful listening or effective questioning skills!
That last statement begs an unclean question or two: Effective in what way? By what criteria? For what purpose? For whose benefit? Toward what outcome? And the plethora of clean questions1 that could be asked about the whole, final sentence speaks for itself!
As you listen to the undulations of a speaker’s words, paying effortless attention to the rhythm of their breathing, watching the blinking of their eyes, the furrows in their brow, you might notice tense or relaxed muscles. As you tune into the pace of their speech, the frequency and duration of their pauses, and tonality of voice, you can become aware of their energy waxing and waning. The pitch of their voice might fall as they plumb the depths of their despair, or rise as they gain insight into what impels them forward, or recognise a pattern that holds them back. And be simultaneously aware of the left foot moving, or maybe the right one, as their body shifts and fidgets with the ebb and flow of their story and the undercurrents of possible emotions.
And stay mindful of the fluctuations of your own energy as your attention is nudged by a particular word or phrase, your compassion hooked by a sigh, your imagination enchanted by a simile, distracted by a frown – or frustration so restimulated by repetition or identification that you feel swamped with your own ‘stuff’.
Thus the dance; each of us drifting this way and that on the waves of other people’s recollections, rising with the highs, or sinking because what they treat so lightly somehow weighs heavy on our minds.
These, dear reader, are the obstacles and opportunities that present themselves to us whenever we engage in discussion, dialogue, debate. Whenever we are called upon or opt, for whatever reasons, to listen to others, offering the gift – or illusion - of attention.
Nancy Kline, encouraging us to create thinking environments,2 says that the quality of our attention has a direct impact on the quality of others people’s intelligence. To resonate with the truth of that, we need only acknowledge our own (erstwhile?) reactions when people’s attention seems to wander. Or consider the significance and meaning we ascribe to being held in their awareness, or the shock of the barely stifled yawn, the sly glance at a watch, the tetchy, “Are you finished?” or the tactless, and yet somehow refreshingly forthright, “You must have mistaken me for some who cares!” (‘Am I bovered?’)
Crafty Listening
A simple framework (and another self-indulgent acronym!) listing some attributes and skills for connecting and communicating, especially when others find it difficult to communicate.
Curiosity, the essence of which is a sense of wonder! The best and most difficult approach is to see the world as if through the eyes of a fascinated child, alert, agog, alive to the wonder of it all. Full of questions, finding new connections, forging links, focusing in on the details, pulling back to grasp the bigger picture.
Responsiveness, so much more flexible than reactivity, staying in the flow of ‘intimate distance’ that allows us to get close with fearing engulfment and to let go without fearing abandonment or rejection.
Assertiveness, so that we can direct the flow of communication neither as warrior or wimp, and invite fierce conversations3
Focus, what we focus on grows! Direct attention to what is wrong with the world, and we will register more of what’s wrong with the world. Focus on what’s right with the world, and we will find evidence of it everywhere.
Thoughtfulness, both in the sense of considering others and being capable of clear and critical thinking and decision making.
Yes! A positive attitude based on intelligent optimism and maintained via the metamodel, fierce conversations and Clean questions.
1 How much more difficult, then, for those who have little, poor, or no training in meaningful listening or effective questioning skills!
2 Time to Think, Listening to Ignite the Human Mind.
3 Susan Scot
No comments:
Post a Comment